Mark generally lives by this creed: "I don't worry about things I don't have any control over".
And he doesn't. Unless it happens to be one of his kids. or me. Then he can be the biggest worrier you ever met!
After we were married, it came as a bit of a surprise to me because he's so carefree, such a tease. He likes to have fun and laugh. He doesn't stress over much. This is one of the things that I'm attracted to most about him. It settles me when I worry about every detail and what should have been, what could have been or what might have been! He seems so at ease with whatever comes at him. He is calm and decisive and once he's made a decision he doesn't worry about the fallout, he just works as hard as he can with whatever he's responsible for.
The first time I became aware of his "hidden worrier tendencies" was when I was pregnant with Carly. He was so worried something was going to happen to me during childbirth. I didn't understand at first and it upset me when he said things like "I don't care what happens to the baby, if anything goes wrong, I'm just going to tell the doctor to save you and not worry about the baby. I only care about what happens to you!" As I was the one who was feeling this baby move and hiccup and kick inside me, I was extremely connected to this little infant that I was desperate to know and hold and cuddle and it bothered me intensely that he didn't seem to feel connected and seemed so unconcerned for our baby.
I realized at some point this was all said out of love for me and a fear of losing me and then I didn't allow it to bother me anymore. I mean, honestly, when you look at it that way, it was very sweet. It was just his way of dealing with his fear. He needed a plan and that was it.
The second Carly was born, it was another story..... Now, SHE was part of his family and his protective worry immediately extended it's little bubble around her. He worried a lot more than I did about things that could happen to her. Again, it was very sweet.
When Carly had the bad tachycardia episode that took us to the hospital, he didnt' say much but became very decisive and really pushed for the procedure. He was the driving force, the confidence guy when I worried about whether we should go ahead or not.
He asked me whether he should take the day off or not.... I knew it was going to be a long day. I knew he was going to be worried, the pacing kind of worried. I knew I would be able to sit and read and make the time go quickly but not with him pacing and anxious.... that would just make me anxious. I truly did think I was making the right decision for both of us by suggesting that work would keep him busy and help him get through the day easier. Yes, it was best for me but I did think it would be best for him too so it wasn't completely selfish.
Carly was a little nervous. I think it all happened a little fast for her. We had gone for so many years saying "there's no point in taking any risks" to "let's do it!" and so she was kind of focused on the risks even though they truly were minimal. I felt bad I didn't realize how anxious she had been feeling and taken the opportunity to talk to her more. She is so good at presenting her strong, capable, mature side that sometimes I forget that within her also resides a fearful, unsure teenager.
My parents called me and told me they were planning on driving to Orem (4 hr drive) and going to the hospital with me. I was so touched. I was okay with being there alone, I wasn't stressed or anxious about being alone, but when they offered, it suddenly sounded so nice to have company. My parents are good company and always make me feel strengthened and reassured. I love spending time with them. I am so grateful they were willing to make such a sacrifice to drive all the way here, pay for a motel room, hang out all day at a hospital, sit in uncomfortable chairs, etc. They said "She's our girl too!"
When the hospital called the day before to go over check in procedures, they told me Carly was only allowed to have 2 adults with her. I was freaking out. My parents were already here and planning to go with me. There was no way to "choose" a parent to stay home and "choose" a parent to go. I wanted them both there with me. We decided to just ignore protocol and all 3 go. I wasn't sure what they would say or do but we all decided to break the rules, buck the system, do it our way! I am not much of an anti-establishment chick so this was stressful for me but it ended up being no big deal at all. No one said a word to us about having 3 people there and we all got our "Carly Bocanegra" nametags to show who we were with.
The following is my mom's journal keeping of the event. She wrote it so well that I'm stealing it. Thanks mom!
On May 2nd, 2012-
We arrived at the Primary Children's hospital at about 6:15 a.m. Wednesday morning. As you know in the hospital there is a lot of hurry up, get there and wait stuff; so after getting her admitted, and the three of us getting 3 X6 sticky tags on our chests with Carly Bocanegra written on them; we all got to talk with the 2 doctors who perform the procedure. What lovely people. They took Jamie's cell # to call her and let her know how things were going through out.
They told us and showed us via pictures what needed to be done IF she really did have tachycardia. Because she had no documentation (it always stopped before she got to the hospital or to the doctor's office) Dr. Etheridge, the cardiologist, was going out on a limb even trying this. We so appreciated their honesty with us. They told us the best scenario was if the problem was in the center of her heart, the AV node. If it were on the left there could be all sorts of problems, too numerous to mention , but the worst was blood clots and/or stroke.
Carly went to the Cath lab first; where they would try to reproduce tachycardia. If it didn't happen they would not proceed. She was in the lab for about 2 hours, hooked up to all kinds of electrical stuff with the catheters going up both sides of her groin and one in her neck. As soon as they proceeded with adrenaline; her heart went nuts. Dr. Ethridge said they saw much evidence that she had had many many previous episodes of tachycardia. They used a freezing probe (which they later gave as a present to Carly. It was neat to see.) They could only touch each little tiny area of the heart for a few seconds; then back off, wait, then do again. It took 4 minutes to completely ablate any tissue they touched with the probe which had a head roughly the size of one of those sewing pins with the large colored plastic ball on the end.
The wonderful thing about P.C. Hospital was they called after she'd been in there about 1 1/2 hours to tell us what they were doing and what they had found; which was such a blessing to our tired on her feet,completely worn out, fasting, worried Jamie. When she was told that they found evidence of the tachycardia; she lowered her head with tears flowing in a gratitude prayer. They called her every hour of so to let her know how it was going, where she was and how she was. That was so wonderful.
After recovery she had to lie flat for 4 hours which was probably the worst part for Carly, with 3 hovering; she just wanted to be left alone, I'm sure but we were all so grateful to see her sweet tired face again, and know that she was fixed that we just wanted to be close. She had wonderful nurses and doctors who were so great. Couldn't have had better.
I think because Carly is a CNA she was a better patient, understanding of what they were doing, realizing that there was no sense in being embarrassed etc. Could not have been easy being exposed to the breeze and to do that as a 17 year old.
We were in the hospital for a little over 12 hours, which isn't great but I'd do it again for any of you or our grandchildren;without a second look. What a blessing! Carly was told that she will have phantom tachycardia for a year; to remember that it is phantom and to not freak out, get anxiety ridden etc. It happened to her twice in recovery. So she knows to not worry; but to let it gradually pass and have joy in the knowledge that the real deal is past.
Her recovery room nurse was Matt, a great guy, who felt badly that a teenager had to have a male nurse...but he was efficient, funny and put her and all of us at ease. We have been blessed as a family to witness a miracle with our Carly. She was blessed, the doctors were guided, all the family's prayers were answered on Wednesday. We are blessed beyond measure.
Carly slept on the sofa, at home that night to be close to the bathroom and not have to go up and down stairs in her weak state...kinda wobbly She came home with kind of an electrical harness (Holter monitor) on her to record the first 24 hours after surgery; which she will send back to the hospital. Of course her friends came; Drew made cookies for her, the R.S. sisters brought supper and flowers for Carly and what I thought was wonderful was a flowering plant for Jamie! That was extra thoughtful.
***********************
Back to me:
It was so thoughtful. I have wonderful visiting teachers who brought a fabulous dinner. It tasted so good and was so nice to get home at 7ish after being gone for over 12 hours and know my family was fed and there was even a little somethin' left for me and to see the beautiful flowers brought to both Carly and I by another loving, thoughtful friend.
Over the next couple of days Carly also had many thoughtful visitors from her Lovely young women leaders bearing treats and hugs to kind friends from school with Jamba juice, boxes of ice cream and just coming to laugh and visit with her. She tired quickly and sometimes we had to kick them out.
Her friend, Drew, was there pretty much every night for the few days following, watching movies with the fam, bringing flowers from his mom, talking to her and making her feel pretty special.
While we were at the hospital waiting, my mom and I visited the gift shop just to look around for something to do but like girls are prone to do... we found things to buy. My mom picked out some cute little earrings for Carly and I found a little ceramic plate with a quirky collage of pictures and print that read "what makes your heart flutter?" I had to get it for her, it was too perfect, and she loved them both.
One of the things that touched Carly most was her Papa feeding her dinner while she lay flat on her back during the 4 hour recovery period. she wasn't allowed to sit up at all or move much because of the places in her groin where they had inserted catheters. They had heavy bandages over them and the 4 hr period of lying flat is crucial for the holes to form proper clots so she could go home. She got a little uncomfortable but her nurse was thoughtful and helped change her position enough with pillows that she could get through it.
We can't say enough lovely things about Primary children's hospital and the Dr.s and nurses that helped us that day. Carly says she wants to work there someday when she gets her nursing degree. They were all such amazing, lovely people and so considerate and thoughtful and positive. We were given SO much information and told so often what was happening. I even have good things to say about the cafeteria and gift-shop. The little gifts we bought in the gift-shop were very affordable, not over priced. The cafeteria was very reasonable and the food was really good. Carly got a kick out of it when they brought her a menu in recovery and told her she was allowed to order whatever she wanted and how much she wanted. There were no limits at all! The menu guy said "we work with kids here so we're pretty much like your parents... we just want you to eat something so we do whatever it takes!" She ordered a ham, cheese, egg english muffin sandwich, a side of sausage and hash browns, orange juice and a butterfinger shake. yum!
I called Mark while he worked and Carly's wonderful Grandma Donna in California to check in with them as I got new information throughout the day. My mom took care of texting my brothers and sisters with updates since I don't have texting. It was so beautiful to know there were so many people worrying about Carly and praying for Carly and loving Carly through this day. Rachel and Mason chose to fast. I knew about Rachel but I didn't know about Mason until I got home. He told me when he found out Rachel was, he decided to do it too. so sweet.
Poor Mark- He said "I am never going to work again if we have to go through something like this" He said he just couldn't focus on his route and drove many, many extra miles because of mistakes he made. I don't know if it was better or worse for him to have been working- He did say he was able to keep his mind off things because of work some so who knows what the right answer is. I think it would have been bad either way. He just couldn't live by his usual motto that day "I don't worry about things I don't have any control over". It was his little girl in the hospital that day with people probing at her heart, deciding what to freeze and destroy.
Back to me:
It was so thoughtful. I have wonderful visiting teachers who brought a fabulous dinner. It tasted so good and was so nice to get home at 7ish after being gone for over 12 hours and know my family was fed and there was even a little somethin' left for me and to see the beautiful flowers brought to both Carly and I by another loving, thoughtful friend.
Over the next couple of days Carly also had many thoughtful visitors from her Lovely young women leaders bearing treats and hugs to kind friends from school with Jamba juice, boxes of ice cream and just coming to laugh and visit with her. She tired quickly and sometimes we had to kick them out.
Her friend, Drew, was there pretty much every night for the few days following, watching movies with the fam, bringing flowers from his mom, talking to her and making her feel pretty special.
While we were at the hospital waiting, my mom and I visited the gift shop just to look around for something to do but like girls are prone to do... we found things to buy. My mom picked out some cute little earrings for Carly and I found a little ceramic plate with a quirky collage of pictures and print that read "what makes your heart flutter?" I had to get it for her, it was too perfect, and she loved them both.
One of the things that touched Carly most was her Papa feeding her dinner while she lay flat on her back during the 4 hour recovery period. she wasn't allowed to sit up at all or move much because of the places in her groin where they had inserted catheters. They had heavy bandages over them and the 4 hr period of lying flat is crucial for the holes to form proper clots so she could go home. She got a little uncomfortable but her nurse was thoughtful and helped change her position enough with pillows that she could get through it.
We can't say enough lovely things about Primary children's hospital and the Dr.s and nurses that helped us that day. Carly says she wants to work there someday when she gets her nursing degree. They were all such amazing, lovely people and so considerate and thoughtful and positive. We were given SO much information and told so often what was happening. I even have good things to say about the cafeteria and gift-shop. The little gifts we bought in the gift-shop were very affordable, not over priced. The cafeteria was very reasonable and the food was really good. Carly got a kick out of it when they brought her a menu in recovery and told her she was allowed to order whatever she wanted and how much she wanted. There were no limits at all! The menu guy said "we work with kids here so we're pretty much like your parents... we just want you to eat something so we do whatever it takes!" She ordered a ham, cheese, egg english muffin sandwich, a side of sausage and hash browns, orange juice and a butterfinger shake. yum!
I called Mark while he worked and Carly's wonderful Grandma Donna in California to check in with them as I got new information throughout the day. My mom took care of texting my brothers and sisters with updates since I don't have texting. It was so beautiful to know there were so many people worrying about Carly and praying for Carly and loving Carly through this day. Rachel and Mason chose to fast. I knew about Rachel but I didn't know about Mason until I got home. He told me when he found out Rachel was, he decided to do it too. so sweet.
Poor Mark- He said "I am never going to work again if we have to go through something like this" He said he just couldn't focus on his route and drove many, many extra miles because of mistakes he made. I don't know if it was better or worse for him to have been working- He did say he was able to keep his mind off things because of work some so who knows what the right answer is. I think it would have been bad either way. He just couldn't live by his usual motto that day "I don't worry about things I don't have any control over". It was his little girl in the hospital that day with people probing at her heart, deciding what to freeze and destroy.
As I have pondered and prepared to write about this experience I have been thinking about how much of life is out of our control.
I read a friend's blog recently and just cried as she related her anxiety about her disease that was interfering with the way she wanted to live her life and be a mother. Her health is something she can not fix and can not change no matter how much she wants to and she is frustrated with having to accept these limitations. I thought about my family & friends that I love and the things that are out of our control; financial problems, loneliness, pain, health problems, fertility, changes in people we love that we can't do anything about, chronic disease, consequences of other people's unrighteous behavior, etc.
I know that this is a HUGE issue in my life... fear about things I can't control. Too often I let it bring me to my knees in defeat but I am learning that I need to let it bring me to my knees in faith because faith is all we have to combat the things that are out of our control. I wonder why I have wasted so much time being afraid when faith is the opposite of fear. I dont' have it down yet but I hope I am on the right track. I hope I have learned a few things in the last few years that will ensure that I will not spend so much time in defeat and fear but that I will spend more time in prayer and faith that all will work out as I apply the enabling atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ.
May 2nd was a good day. We were able to fix a heart beating wildly out of control. Carly doesn't have to be afraid to exercise, to move away for her college adventure, to have children. These were worries we had before. This is a limitation we have fixed but I am also painfully aware that there will be things I can not fix for her, limitations I can do nothing about, pain I can not remove from her heart. I hope she will learn faster than I have about faith's power to sustain, to heal, to bind up broken things.
We are so blessed to have a Heavenly Father who loves us as he does, who yearns to lead us. I am so grateful for Him and to my Savior for being the bridge to Him. I want to be more faithful. I want to be able to, in the midst of fear and confusion and pain-
Be Still and Know Him.
I read a friend's blog recently and just cried as she related her anxiety about her disease that was interfering with the way she wanted to live her life and be a mother. Her health is something she can not fix and can not change no matter how much she wants to and she is frustrated with having to accept these limitations. I thought about my family & friends that I love and the things that are out of our control; financial problems, loneliness, pain, health problems, fertility, changes in people we love that we can't do anything about, chronic disease, consequences of other people's unrighteous behavior, etc.
I know that this is a HUGE issue in my life... fear about things I can't control. Too often I let it bring me to my knees in defeat but I am learning that I need to let it bring me to my knees in faith because faith is all we have to combat the things that are out of our control. I wonder why I have wasted so much time being afraid when faith is the opposite of fear. I dont' have it down yet but I hope I am on the right track. I hope I have learned a few things in the last few years that will ensure that I will not spend so much time in defeat and fear but that I will spend more time in prayer and faith that all will work out as I apply the enabling atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ.
May 2nd was a good day. We were able to fix a heart beating wildly out of control. Carly doesn't have to be afraid to exercise, to move away for her college adventure, to have children. These were worries we had before. This is a limitation we have fixed but I am also painfully aware that there will be things I can not fix for her, limitations I can do nothing about, pain I can not remove from her heart. I hope she will learn faster than I have about faith's power to sustain, to heal, to bind up broken things.
We are so blessed to have a Heavenly Father who loves us as he does, who yearns to lead us. I am so grateful for Him and to my Savior for being the bridge to Him. I want to be more faithful. I want to be able to, in the midst of fear and confusion and pain-
Be Still and Know Him.
