Writer's Notebook #4: Carly

(grrr... I keep trying to fix it but every time I publish this, it puts weird spaces in... it's supposed to just be line after line)

Carly

I’m the one

who came first

opening her eyes and heart as mother

who shops with her, advises her, dreams and laughs with her- 

no subject too big or too small for us!
I’m the one

who reads and thinks and reads again

who values strength, intelligence and independent thought- 

outside the trend
who wants all the answers- Now!

but waits for the quiet whispers that illuminate

who recognizes truth and won’t turn away

even when it hurts, even when it’s hard

I’m the one

who makes plans decisively, ventures boldly,

who falls hard when dreams crumble at my feet

and yet

I’m the one

who rises from the rubble- a phoenix

with greater understanding and new direction

hesitant at first, then vision clear- I soar

I am Loyalty 

The Writer's Notebook

I have a writing class this semester.  Since I am in the Education program, it is focused on how to teach writing.  One of our required books was Ralph Fletcher's, A writer's Notebook.

It's a book geared towards kids to give them ideas on how to keep a notebook full of their thoughts and ideas and observations that will give them topics to write about.  It was engaging and fun and inspiring.  One of our assignments is to keep our own writer's notebook because how can we teach what we do not know??? It has been fun for me.  

We even had a FHE on it which inspired Samantha and Rachel to go get their own notebooks and they have been writing in their notebooks.  They both have struggled with keeping current with their journal writing.  It IS journal writing with a twist and it's fun to see them fired up about recording their thoughts.  The boys have not been inspired but hey... you do what you can and leave it at that.  

There was a gorgeous poem in the book written by a 4th grader that I loved and it inspired me to start furiously scribbling about each of my children.  I wanted to make an "I am the one who" poem about each of them.  I will post them as I complete them although I have a feeling there will always be more I want to add to each of them as it is hard to capture all things about a person you love so much.

Untitled

by Chase Whitmire

I am the person who

Frantically plays with leaves, 

Dances with the sun,

Smiles at the moon,

Follows the stars,

Puts my arm around the wind's shoulder,

Tells secrets with the water.

And I think I'm special

to have such adoring things to do.

The imagery first made me think of Rachel, my nature girl-

 but it was Jakes' that I finished first, then Rachel.  I'm still working on the others......

Mr. Flex

Mr. Flex.

My brother started that nickname about 5 years ago.  If I remember all this right, Carly was around 14 and was visiting my parents and my brother's family for an away from home adventure.  She had gone down to the creek behind my parent's home with Uncle Matthew when Brian, age 15, ventured upon them.  He stood there talking for quite some time with his arms folded, his hands strategically balled and placed behind his biceps to push them out to make himself more manly, more studly-       to impress Carly.

A Carly very unaware of her curves, her femininity, her anything that would make a boy stand there talking to a guy in his ward he usually never talked to, trying to flex his muscles for an unnatural period of time...

After Mr. Flex had exhausted his avenues for conversation with Matthew, he sauntered off.  Matthew turned to Carly and asked if she'd noticed him flexing because it was all for her!   She was mortified and sure he was mistaken.  She hadn't noticed a thing  and was only wishing he'd leave so she could have her uncle's attention back...

Over the years my dad and my brother and just about everyone else in the family have enjoyed teasing Carly about Mr. Flex.  Uncle Matthew would mention... "Mr. Flex was in my Sunday School class today.  He was wondering if my niece would be visiting anytime soon.."  My dad would cut out articles from the paper and send them to Carly as Mr. Flex became quite the football star leading his team to a very victorious season.

Carly was planning to go to SUU and lots of teasing began when we found out Mr. Flex got a full ride football scholarship... "Maybe you'll bump into each other on campus and you can ask him to flex for you" heh heh heh...   She was used to it by this time and would roll her eyes and shake her head and laugh it off.

Mr. Flex decided to defer his scholarship to serve a mission.  He started doing his paperwork and went to the doctor to find out why he couldn't shake this bad cold he'd had for a few weeks.  That bad cold turned out to be cancer.  Instead of serving a mission, he has been fighting cancer for the last 2 years- fighting hard.  He and his mom have been in so many hospitals, trying so many different treatments.

When I heard Tuesday morning that he had died, I was surprised by the overwhelming grief I felt for this boy whom I have never met.  I cried and my heart ached and I just feel so sad and empty.  I think I kept half expecting a miracle turnaround.  He was a prime candidate: faithful family, preparing to serve a mission, his ward praying for him, strangers (like me) praying for him.  In every story I've ever heard about him, he is strong and vibrant and full of life.  It just feels so wrong and pointless.  5 years ago he was standing on the creek bank, flexing, flirting, unaware.  Tonight he is lying in a morgue....  3 years ago:  On top of the world- leading his team to victory every game.  Tonight- gone.

The last 2 years while my child started college, struggled through her new beginning, fell in love, got married and decided to become a mother,  somebody else's child fought for his life with chemotherapy and blood transfusions and pain and nausea and misery and faded away.

My faith tells me that his spirit is somewhere beautiful and maybe this cancer fight was more important a test than a life full of choices, maybe it refined him and made of him a stripling warrior in the most important ways.  However my heart hasn't caught up with my faith yet and all I can do is cry for the boy who's gone and the mother who is not.

A woman I have never met lost her baby this week, her youngest of seven I think.  My heart hurts for her and so I held mine a little tighter tonight than usual when I said good night.  He looked confused as he kissed my cheek and wiped away the tears that were falling.  He didn't ask why.. He just smiled sweetly at me and wiped the tears and said "i love you too" as if he just understood it was my love for him dripping down my cheeks.

I'm glad I didn't yell at him the other day when he broke the 4 brand new glass votive holders as he dropped the bag on the way out of the store.  Votive holders just don't matter very much.  I want to remember that.

There are so many sad stories we hear on the news and from friends.  If we truly felt them all- we'd be a mess, nonfunctioning puddles of sadness all the time.  But sometimes, a story connects, just hits our heart just so and we feel it all.  I think that's why I can't let go of my sadness.  He's the same age as Carly, in the same stage of life- Beginning adulthood, stepping off into his own adventure and he was cut down before he could begin and my heart cries out "what if this was your child??  It could be your child..."

Maybe my sadness is really fear.

Chore Time Meets Reality TV: The Big Cheese takes over

We have had a job chart for a long time.  The kids names are in the middle of the chore chart and there is velcro on each side of their name.  There are 5  4 room jobs (sweep/mop, family room, front room, bathrooms) and 5  4 dish jobs (wash dishes, put away dishes, set table, clear table) that rotate weekly from child to child.  When Carly was home we also had walls, etc (that person washed walls, helped with laundry, did any extra job I needed done that week) and kitchen helper (helped me cook dinner) that rotated.    It worked pretty well but there were problems; the kids didn't often do their jobs on their own.  I always seemed to have to get everyone going and check up and there were many, many times that I was saying "hey, you didn't wash the table off or you didn't' sweep under the table" etc.  It worked better and they were more self motivated about them when we were consistent about our chore charts where they checked off their "to do" lists of responsibilities and earned an allowance.  I have not been as consistent with making that work in the last few months.

Lately, it has been a huge problem with me feeling frustrated about the lack of self motivation on the kid's part and having to micromanage chore time every night.  I recognize that probably means that I wasn't consistent enough and/or didn't have strong enough consequences to rectify that problem but I was so overwhelmed with school I didn't' have the energy to figure out a solution.

Saturdays were the worst.  The room chores were supposed to be something the kids kind of checked up on during the week and kept looking reasonable but on Saturday morning, they were supposed to do a deep clean of the room.

Mason was the worst... Sometimes it would take him until 3 or 4 pm to finish cleaning his bedroom and do his room job.

Sometimes the kids would get into silly fights over who could use the broom and mop first and scream at each other because "you're walking on my wet floor!!!!"   and "Well, I HAVE To because I NEED to get MY job done!!!!"   It was a very I centered approach to chore time and it had good points and it had bad points.

I have been asking Mark for more help around the house lately.  He has been very supportive about me going to school in many ways but I wasn't feeling it in the "helping around the house" way.  He came through in a BIG WAY with a new system for chore time that I thought was CRAZY at first but now believe to be Inspired, Amazing, Beautiful, Wonderful and BRILLIANT!!!

I think one of the reasons Mark hasn't helped as much around the house is because I tend to want him to do things my way and not allow him to do things his way....

When he started this I wanted to object but I, thankfully, kept my mouth shut and let him try it out.

It all started last Sunday.  It was stake conference so he came home from church when we did and wasn't gone all afternoon for meetings.  The house was pretty messy because it had been stake conference the night before and Friday night had been the ward Christmas party and I had been at a study group for several hours on saturday afternoon and he had worked on saturday so things had been less supervised....  We dont' usually do a full-on clean the house on Sunday as it's  the Sabbath and we try to honor that and keep it as God has asked us to but that day was just bad.

The kids wanted to come home and make a lunch after church and he said, "whoa... this house is a wreck! We are going to clean it up first before anyone eats and Mom is not going to do it... Go sit down mom."  He told them he was going to choose a team leader and that person would be in charge of getting all the work done.  The team leader could work as much or as little as they wanted and delegate as much as they wanted.  The other kids would be their team and he would only be dealing with the team leader.  He asked each kid if they wanted to be the leader.  Samantha and Rachel said No and Mason and Jacob said Yes.  Mark then said, "To be a good leader, you have to be a good follower so I will put Samantha in charge." That surprised them.

He took the team leader, Samantha, to the kitchen, family room, front room and told her what he wanted done.  He asked the team leader how much time she thought it would take and then said, "Okay, set the timer, get your team and get it done".

When any kid complained to Mark or I, Mark directed them back to the team leader.  They had to work it out.  When the timer beeped, Mark checked back in and asked if they needed a time extension.  They did.  He told the team leader to choose the time wisely because it was the only extension they were going to get and when the time was up she would be responsible for any work left undone.  The timer was set again and they finished it up.

After the timer beeped. Mark checked the rooms.  There were a few things left and Samantha had to do them all by herself.  After she was done, he gathered all the kids in the family room for an "Evaluation".  Samantha, as team leader, was asked to rate her team members on a scale of 1-10 and give an explanation.  Then Mark asked her if any of her team members needed a consequence for not helping the team and he allowed her to set the consequence as she had had to take his consequence of cleaning up everything that was not finished.  Mason had been belligerent and unhelpful and so she had told him to just go to his room and she had to complete his part of the job.  Mark warned her the consequence had to fit the crime and we agreed that he would not get our Sunday night dessert, ice cream and not get to open the present with his name on it from the 12 days of christmas his Auntie had sent our family.  He had so been looking forward to his day so that was a big blow.  

The kids said "this is just like 'The Next Great Baker' " which is a reality cooking show that they have been watching lately.  On the show, sometimes they have to work as teams with one member acting as team leader.  The team leader is generally judged a bit more harshly on the outcome if it is bad, because they were in charge.

The team members then were able to rate the team leader on what kind of leader they were and we discussed strengths and weaknesses and how we can be better leaders.

We have done this every night this week after dinner with dish jobs and a general clean up of the downstairs.

Saturday came and Mark and I talked about whether or not we wanted to do this for Saturday room jobs and I was very enthusiastic about trying it.   I would be in charge since he was working and I hadn't  led it  before.  It has been Mark's baby.  He's so good at the evaluation part and not giving in to micromanaging like I do.  I did pretty good and we pulled it off.  I did make a few mistakes about getting involved when I should have referred the issue to the team leader but I am learning to!!  The kids opinion was that they like it for weeknights but would rather not do it on Saturday chore time.

However, Mark and I are seeing some amazing things happening because of it and will keep it up.   Here are the benefits we see:

1. Mason and Samantha, who sometimes have issues because they are the youngest and often feel powerless, get a chance to be in charge and boss everyone around.  They are good leaders though and do a good job at being fair.  I have been impressed.

2. The work is done faster on the weeknights.  The kids felt like it took longer on Saturday and it did for some of them but took less time as a whole for me.

3. They are learning how to be good leaders and good followers which is an important life skill.

4. They are learning how to communicate better about how to get the job done.  I heard Mason stop his team last night and say to them "How do you think it's going?  What can we do better?"  Rachel gave some constructive criticism and he took it without getting upset and adjusted how he was leading.  THAT IS HUGE!!!  NO fighting.  It was beautiful.

This does not mean they have never fought.  Sometimes one of them just has a bad attitude and makes it difficult but they are working through it and I see them working it out even when they have a difficult team member.

5. I dont' have to micromanage.  I don't have to round kids up and say "the job is not finished".  I don't have to just do it because it's easier then getting them to do it.

6. Mark is getting some big BIG husband points and Dad points on this one.  He has made my life easier in a HUGE way.

on being resourceful....

10/25  Ward Halloween party

Crazy week-

Class until 2.

A meeting after class for a group project.

Get home, help Mark make chili for cook-off.

Braid hair for Samantha and Gisselle and get them to curtain call for play performance by 6.

Lesson plan to finish up & turn in by 6pm.

Ward party at 6:30

No time for costume finishing for Mason-

He dug in the Halloween box and got out Carly's zombie costume from her 12th grade senior spirit day theme day minus the green socks and all the red blood... that had washed out.  He just had the shirt and the shorts. No time for embellishments.

You can call it desperate or resourceful- 

Your call...

But

When we got to the church I had a idea to make him more zombi-ish--

we went into all the classrooms and wiped our hands in all the chalkboard trays and patted it all over his face. 

Think what you will but HE thought I was brilliant-

 and that's all that matters.

  

on being charming....

10/25   Friday night at the ward Halloween party-

"your costume is beautiful mom... wait! That's just you!"

- Mason Bocanegra, favorite son, age 10

How you know you're not spending enough time with your cheese balls and why you should do it NOW!!!!

School started this week and we got back on our schedule of early morning scripture reading to accommodate everyone's comings and goings.  I arranged to have it start 10 minutes earlier than last year so I could squeeze in some exercise time.

I was so proud of myself as I left my house all ready to go at 6:15 on Tuesday morning only to find the universe was conspiring against me and the gym was closed for the first week of it's 2 week annual deep clean closing.. Drat. I forgot.  (Shows you how long it has been since I went to the gym)

I was, however, UNDETERRED! Mason had decided to go play basketball at the gym while I was on the elliptical so he was with me and I asked him if he'd like to go walk around the hospital mile path with me.  He did.  He had his soccer ball with him and I listened to my ipod while he dribbled and ran and kicked within my field of vision and we got a mile in.  (He probably got 2 miles to my one)

Wednesday morning we started out again, this time determined to get in 2 miles since we wouldn't be wasting time driving to a closed gym.  He stayed right with me and i never turned my ipod on and we had a great time talking and walking.

I was feeling pretty good about spending time with my little munchkin but it obviously wasn't enough because that night he said "mom... are there any extra jobs I could do to earn special time with you?  we could play soccer or something"

Is your heart melting right now??? Mine was. Melting and a little pinched with guilt for being so darn busy.  I said "no job necessary! Lets go play soccer instead of walking tomorrow morning."

His answering grin was a sight to behold.

We had a great time.  He had me play goalie so he could practice his kicks.  I was dismal.  I am just not able to throw my whole body into the save.  I'm a little scared of twisting, breaking or pulling something but still.. I did try.  Then he practiced goalie and I tried kicking.  I did much better at offense and even scored a couple points.  It was so fun and my heart was pumping and my boy was smiling and it was a good morning.

After school he walked in the door in tears, his soccer ball in his hands with a gaping hole.  "What happened??"

He had thrown his ball to his friend as they walked home.  His friend dropped it into the street and a big truck ran over it.

I'm so glad I didn't put off the playin!.  I know he will get a new ball fairly soon as he eats, drinks and breathes soccer,  but saying yes! today made me happy and him happy and that little pinch of guilt that regularly squeezes my heart since I started school lessened just  a tiny bit.  I hope he keeps telling me what he needs and I hope keep listening.

Notes from my boy

Valentines Day 2013

I wish I could read what was on the hearts! I waited too long to record this-

One morning before school we had an argument. He is the sweetest thing 99.8% of the time; but that other 0.02% is a doozy.  When he is naughty.... watch out!  He was being very disrespectful and made me very upset.  After school, I found this beside my bed.  We were back to the 99.8%.

I was grateful.

Proof that the internet doesn't know everything but Mom still does!

Today Samantha and her friend Jisel came to ask me a question....

"mom... we want to know if this word is good to use....

We looked it up on the internet and it says it is a bundle of sticks but some of the kids at school are always calling each other it.... why would they call each other a bundle of sticks?"

me: What's the word?

Samantha/Jisel:  "faggot"

me: NO.... that is not a good word.  It means a homosexual man and it's a mean word for it like the N-word  is for a black person so I would NOT suggest you call people that or use that word at all"

Samantha/Jisel:  "Oh man! the internet did NOT tell us that"  

It's always good to be reaffirmed in the eyes of your children as all-knowing, powerful and smarter than the internet.  

Today was a good day!

(And 2 1/2 hrs ago, I just finished my last college math class ever!!! That is 4.... count'em FOUR math classes since last August....  Another reason it's a GREAT DAY!)

Shaggy to Sharp

I've been cutting my boys' hair for about 10 years now.

I wont' cut Marks.

Surprisingly, he's asked me to but I dont' dare. I dont' want to take on that kind of responsibility. I have trimmed up the sides when they've been bushy and he hasn't had time to get to the barbershop and wants to be a little nicer looking on a Sunday morning.

My first haircut on Jacob was fairly disastrous. He was 2. Samantha was a baby. I had decided, as often as he would need haircuts, I could learn how to do it and it would save us a LOT of $$. I got out my new clippers and tried to figure them out. I snapped on one of the numbered guards. I really had no clue what I was doing . I tried to start cutting and it just seemed to be pulling the hair, not cutting anything. I figured I must have the wrong idea and so I took those little numbered combs completely 0ff of the clippers and went for it.

That did not turn out well. The clippers grabbed a big chunk of hair and he was bald in the back. oops. I stopped immediately and called my friend Tina who cut hair in her home. She let me come over and fixed it as best she could however he was hair on top and skin on the bottom and sides for a couple weeks.

I could only improve from that point.

I wonder how many haircuts there have been since then. If I have cut his hair every couple of months since he was 2 and then add in Mason's haircuts from the time he was about 2, that would be approximately 101 haircuts.

I've worn out one set of clippers. My 2nd set is probably about to wear out. It makes an annoying buzzing noise sometimes but I'm too practical to do anything about it until it completely stops cutting all together.

With the advent of Jacob entering Junior High I told him that I would be glad to continue cutting his hair but if he wanted something more professional-

I'd be willing to spring for Tuesday haircuts at Evan's hairstyling College.

Remember I only said "more professional" .........

He thought about it and almost took me up on it one Tuesday but couldnt' find a picture of a haircut he wanted and didn't' want to go in blind. He'd been growing his hair out for a few months and was looking pretty shaggy.

A couple of weeks ago, he came to me and said "just cut it!"

Are you sure?

He was.

I did.

I think he looks pretty good.

(If I do say so myself)

It seems he's comfortable trusting me his locks for a while yet.

That makes me happy.

It will change soon enough, I know.

I am a mother

I read a blog post a while ago called "The stuff that makes me me". The post ended by asking "What stuff helps make you you?"

As I sat staring at the comment box I intended to comment in, I couldn't think of a thing and it made me cry. Granted, it had been an awful day. One of those grumpy, teary, lethargic days where you can't quite pinpoint the cause of your angst yet you're filled with it nonetheless....

Still- on any day. It can be a hard question. A who am I question. A what am I question- which lately has been a discouraging question.

I got up from the computer and started getting the kids prepped for bed.

Family prayers, Pick up your stuff, brush your teeth......

As I herded and scolded and held and hugged, my mind kept straying to the question that I thought I couldn't answer......

I couldn't think of things. All I could think of was them. What they had made of me. Instead of feelings of discouragement and emptiness I became full of joy and gratitude.

Almost 17 years ago I had my first child. A beautiful, dark-haired baby girl. Serious. Careful. Everything I dreamed of. She created me. Mother. Then 2 years later, another beautiful girl. Blond ringlets this time. Imagination seeping from her pores. She stretched the boundaries of who I was... Mother. The next year brought a difficult loss. For a little while I was a broken Mother. Two years later came a bouncing baby boy. Strong. Fierce. He brought back the joy and through him I began to learn the pain and frustration of Mother. Before him I had only known easy. Now it was hard. But you know... hard brings it's own joy. Then 2 more years. Another girl. Patient and sweet. A Calm amidst the storm. More stretching. You know the pattern now I think. 2 more years and another boy. The smallest. My climber. A giver of love. Snuggly. He made that last stretch so easy. They grew. I fed. I bathed. I taught. I loved.

Then came the time of no babies. I started to feel like a stretched out Mother with no elasticity left. It's hard to regain the shape of who you are when you have mothered so long and with so much of yourself. It's not as if I am done with Mother. I will always be. Yet they need you less in that all-consuming way. They need you more as a listening ear, an understanding heart, a taxi-driver, a compass. There is more time to think about who you are, what else you might be.

This is what makes the answer to the "what makes me me question" so elusive. Some of the things I used to think identified me are lost in the past, yet some remain; talents- overshadowed & dusty, others- vibrant and strong. And there are new ones I am figuring out.

As I type and think I begin to believe that it is pointless to try to regain the shape. The challenge is discovering the new shape, embracing the new shape. Rediscovery. I am deciding as I write that I like this thought so much better. It sounds like an adventure. I don't need Everest. I don't need K2. I will find my own summits.

what's your motto?

While shopping for new jeans for my 6th grader.....

We also found some cute hoodies clearance priced at $3.50. I couldn't pass that up so I spent some time trying to find one that would fit both Jacob and Mason. Because my big girls were at work/play practice and my little girl was at 4H afterschool club I ended up at Wal-mart with the boys. Both such a joy to shop with. If they're not fighting, they're complaining. If they're not complaining, they're running around hiding so I have to spend extra time finding them. If they're not running around hiding.....

Mason found a red jacket he liked and put the hood up and pushed up the sleeves to his elbows and kind of sauntered around, his hands tucked in his front pockets.

He said with a proper James Dean scowl on his face "does this look cool?"

"sure" I muttered absentmindedly while waiting for Jacob to try on the next pair of size 16 jeans (do you know by the way that size 16 is the last BOYS size jeans and then I will have to go to the MEN's section???????)

"That's like my motto...."

"What is?"

" To always look cool," he replied.

Oh no.....

If he starts talking skinny jeans we're gonna have a fight. I will die on that hill.

Can I get an epidural for THIS?

Those first cuts to the apron strings. Ouch. They sting.

December 7th:

She drove away in her car. Licensed & insured. Just to school. Then she'll go to work. It's nice to not have to spend an hour picking her up from school and driving her to work and home again and then another 40 minutes this evening; back at 6 to pick her up and home again like I've been doing 2-3 times a week since October......

But I'll miss it too. We had some good talks about boys, school, life, friends. We found a new song on the radio together that made us swoon about love & romance; past (me), present (me, a hopeful her) and future (her, hopefully still me...)

We discussed at length the meaning of the lyrics: did he walk into a cafe and it's love at first sight, he instantly imagines a whole future with her or is it a couple in love meeting at a cafe and he is planning to pop the question if he can get the nerve to walk in but he's nervous because he's not sure she's ready..... and our favorite lines "you wear white and I'll wear out the words I love you and you're beautiful" and "promise me you'll always be happy by my side and I promise to sing to you when the music dies" and how he's asking her to be happy next to him no matter what, in success, in failure, in sickness, when it's hard and they're figuring things out and he's saying he'll be there for her when nobody else is and when life seems bleak. he'll do his best to bring her happiness.... and.....

Because this is what we do... we talk about everything. and we both like it.

December 8th:

we went to the bank to sign her up for a teen checking account. I still have some control over spending but she has a way to deposit her checks and pay for gas easily and start practicing being responsible, writing checks, using a debit card, etc.

December 15th:

Took her shopping at Toys R Us for her brothers. Taught her how to use her debit card. It's so natural to me. I forget how much I take for granted that she understands. She doesn't. She still needs me.

December 21st:

She drove us to the bank. She wanted help learning how to deposit her check. Ooops! We forgot deposit slips and her checking account number so we had to go inside and do it the hard way. She was embarrassed but she survived. Jacob and Mason, however, destroyed a pen and got ink all over themselves trying to pry a quarter out of the candy machines by the door BUT they were quiet while we waited in line and discussed her check depositing strategy.

Next we drove to the gas station to practice getting gas. There are so many things I assume she knows. She had withdrawn cash to pay for the gas so after we figure out which side her gas tank is on and park at the pump and make sure we get the number of the pump we walk inside together. I tell her she needs to give the $$ to the cashier and she looks at me panicky... "you didn't tell me I needed to bring the money in with me!!!" So I stand there and wait for her to run back out and get her $$ and the cashier looks at me funny and asks if she can help me and so I say "oh I'm helping my daughter figure out how to gas up her car for the first time" so when Carly walks in the cashier is grinning at her and telling her how happy she is to be part of her first gas pump experience and teases me about how I should have brought a camera. Carly sends me a little bit of a dagger glare and says "thanks mom" with a sarcastic smile as she does not particularly like this kind of attention. She likes to appear sophisticated and in control at all times, not inexperienced and "LAME" (her words not mine)

December 29th:

My 39th birthday.

I'm growing up too. This is also painful. ouch. I'm not just exactly where I want to be this year. I have some things to change, some things to learn, some things to become.

I want to be someone she can continue to learn from.

She made me some Happy Birthday cupcakes all by herself. "Warm chocolate cupcakes with molten centers" MMMM! you make a chocolate mint ganache and let it chill. Then you whip up your cupcake batter and fill your cupcake pans, placing a heaping teaspoon of the ganache on top so after they bake you end up with a lovely chocolate cupcake with a creamy, minty, chocolaty middle. She kept making little mistakes because she didn't read through the directions fully. ahhh..... she is my daughter! But they turned out all right in the end!

And you know....

I think we will too.

We're growing up.

It's painful. It's exciting. It's inevitable.