A little more about Brian. A little more about faith.

I am feeling more at peace with my sadness by the things I have been reading about Mr. Flex in an article  my mom shared with me and in his obituary .  

I was especially touched by a quote his family shared that expressed how he felt about dying near the end of his life...

"I'm not afraid to die. I know who's up there. I just want to live."  

I've read that quote several times in the last couple of days but it brings tears to my eyes each time: the Faith and sureness- the aching hope.

My dad said that he felt those same things on the day he had his heart attack 13 years ago. I am so grateful my dad lived.  I have needed him these 13 years.  I wish Brian had lived too.   

My mom said so many people wanted to attend his funeral that it was held in one church building chapel but broadcast to two other churches in town and they were all full.  

His life touched so many others.  Maybe that was part of his life's mission: to touch other people and be an example of goodness and strength.  So many people who experience the kind of success this kid experienced become cocky and prideful.  It sounds like Brian never did.  It's made me think about what is really important in this mortal test-  

The most important thing we can do is know who we are and who is waiting for us and live a life that exemplifies kindness, doing your best and helping those we meet along the way.  

If I was to leave this life tomorrow would I feel like I had done those things?  I want  a chance tomorrow to do better, to be better.  

I do know who's up there but I am a little afraid-  I don't feel like I am my best self yet and I'd really like to be when my time comes.  So, I hope God can wait a little while for me to figure some things out.  

All of this thinking about death and enduring trial makes me think about how I've handled some of my trials in the past.  The image of a turtle comes to mind: pulling back inside my shell, hunkering down, waiting for it to pass.  Yes- I did learn some things but mostly, I endured with eyes closed tightly, body tensed, muttering "Go away! Go away! Go away!".

I want to be the kind of person who faces trials with my eyes open asking "what can I learn from this?  What is God trying to make of me?"  I want to throw on my protective gear and walk into the storm saying "I am not afraid!".  

I'm not there yet but wanting to be is the first step right?