Last week I was sitting at one of the tables in the hallway between the LA bldg and the library studying with a friend. During the hour and a half or so that I sat there trying to figure out how to construct angles and perpendicular lines and equilateral triangles and prove triangles were congruent or similar, I watched about 5 different tour groups walk by listening to the same spiel about the library and the "bytes and brew cafe" that I did a year ago....
I found myself smiling every time they went by, really grinning... I couldn't help it. I think I was smiling with empathy for their cluelessness. I was smiling at the newfound confidence I feel in myself. I was smiling at how cool the spiel sounded last year and how silly it sounded this year. I was smiling because although I am now more confident about my math skills, I feel the same anxiety/excitement about the full time prospect of the teacher program beginning in 2 weeks as I did last year at this time about math!
I was smiling because it feels so good to have this last year
And because I dearly love a checked off to do list at the end of the day.... I'll try an end of the year one here....
7 classes...... check!
21 Credits... Check!
4 semesters.... Check!
7 A's .... Check!
and to top it all off during semesters 2, 3 and 4
An unexpected wedding to plan and execute..... CCCHHHHEEECCCCKKKK!!!!
I was so excited and a little fearful and self conscious as I took that tour, not knowing how I was going to balance it all and wondering if I had it in me to be "smart Jamie" again. School was fairly easy for me when I was young.. I wasn't sure how it would be now at this stage of my life.
I found learning exciting. I loved learning new things and feeling more aware of my world. It was hard work but I loved the feeling of figuring things out and realizing I could do it. There was a time that I took that for granted.
I have felt a lot of angst about my mothering in the last 12 months. I am not doing this because I need a career to be fulfilled, I am doing this out of need. I admit there were some feelings as Mason entered Kindergarten of "who am I" and feeling like I had lost my identity a bit. It did not take long as a working mom to recognize that being a wife and mother is really all I need. I want to be home running my house, cooking better meals, cleaning, organizing, trying to fix up things that need fixing up, etc. That is not to say I wouldn't have sought learning opportunities while my children were in school to help me evolve and grow as a person but I long to be able to be more involved in the things my kids are involved in and I miss being able to do room mom stuff and PTA stuff, etc. I wish I could be a more involved parent with Rachel's cross country team. I feel guilty as they ask for volunteers for heading up fundraisers and such and I sit there with my hand down knowing I would seriously lose my mind trying to head up anything else in my life right now.
I am grateful that I had no illusions about being able to "do it all". I knew some things would have to go and sadly my house is living proof. It's not like my house was OCD clean before or anything but it was clean and I felt like things were under control. I don't feel like that right now. There are such piles and smudges and dust in so many places that make me a little crazy but I don't have the time or energy to take care of them. My cooking is so not what it used to be. There have been more corndog and chicken nugget meals than I care to admit.
I am nutritionally opposed to the chicken nugget. I have NEVER served them to my kids except the very occasional McDonald's happy meal. I have looked down on the chicken nugget. I have scoffed at the chicken nugget. However, in the past year when I started seeing those 100 piece bags at Ridley's and Winco for $5.00 well... I snapped up those bags and cast aside my haughtiness towards the nugget because well, they gotta eat something and I had to study. In the past year, my freezer has hardly been without a bag of nuggets which truly pains me...... ouch.
The first semester was the hardest because I had the most classes, I was unaccustomed to studying that hard. I spent many friday nights in front of the computer with my online math professor until 2 or 3 in the morning and then would put in 6+ hours in the same spot saturday. Mark supported me by going to soccer games alone and getting the kids to do their saturday chores. It was tough, but I made it through.
The second semester was the hardest because even though my math was a little easier for me and I had one less class, my Carly went and got all engaged on me and my beautiful sister christy got married on April 1st so there was an exciting road trip to California for her bridal shower in March and another to So. Utah in April and so I was splitting my time in more directions and they were directions that were super important to me, but I made it through.
The 3rd semester was the easiest hands down! I had 1 class, it was very easy for me because it was all material I have taught at my job for the last 4 years. The teacher was easy. Loved those 7 weeks! That was also main wedding planning time so it was a blessing.
The 4th semester was the hardest because although I only had one class, my Carly actually got married during the first 2 weeks and then I got very very sick and had to muddle through but it's done now.
Hard. New. Overwhelming. Interesting. Done.
It's interesting that I've needed to do this right at the time my kids are beginning to leave for college themselves. It has made it easier for me to help them prepare as I'm doing it myself. That has been one of the blessings of this process.
I am so grateful for a supportive family. My kids really have been great. They are understanding, sympathetic and loving through it all. Mark too. He's overwhelmed at times too with his calling and his job and all the responsibilities that he has yet he has been proud of my A's and helpful with the kids and patient when I'm freaking out over some stupid thing because really I'm so tired I can't think straight. My extended family too.. my parents, my brothers and sisters and in-laws... all cheering me on and encouraging, telling me why they know I can do it.
Now on to step 2...
1 comment:
I think you're Amazing, girl. I remember my mom went back to school when she was in her 40's. It was quite the experience for all of us, but we kids were proud of her. I'm sure your kids feel the same way about you. I went back for my Bachelor's in my 30's - it was TOUGH - it's not like you can put Life on hold while being in school. You'll do wonderfully in your Program and you'll make it through just fine, girlfriend!! :-)
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