Mother's Day Musings...

I know I'm a little late posting a week after Mother's day about Mother's day  but if you know how my Mother's day went down I think you'll understand.

I have had years when I have absolutely hated Mother's day because my expectations were NOT met.  Where were my loving children???? The ones who chose not to fight ALL day to show me their utmost devotion for all I do..... the ones who would clean up after themselves today of ALL DAYS....   Where was my adoring husband?  the one who would shower me with gifts and flowers and words of gratitude & praise for doing such a fabulous job mothering his children..... the one who would clean up after himself today of ALL DAYS.....    Where was the dinner not cooked by ME, the dishes not washed by ME?  I would go to bed sullen and angry because nobody appreciated me darn it!  This is not to say they didn't try to honor me, do nice things for me but it was not enough!!!! NEVER ENOUGH!!!!!  

It's really hard to not delete that paragraph.  It sounds so petty and ornery and I really like it better when you all don't know how petty and ornery I can be.... 

Over the last few years I have been privileged to live near and be friends with some amazing single mothers.  What a challenge THAT is.    About 4 years ago,  on Mother's day morning, my kids and I made cinnamon rolls and delivered breakfast to 3 of our single mom friends via the "ding-dong-ditch" method.  We snuck around cars & corners of houses, ding-donging and watching for our offering to be discovered.  It was such fun and became my best Mother's day in years.  

The next year I agreed to tend a friend's 3 children so she and her husband could get away for a much needed anniversary get-away.  It was so busy with 8 children to care for that I didn't have time for expectations and it was so fun to have these other lively children in the house that there was no room for disappointment.

It felt so good to do something for someone else and try to make their day happy.  It taught me some important things about Mother's day.  

Since then I have changed my attitude and have found Mother's day happiness therein...

I just accept what comes without expectation.   When there's no expectation there's no disappointment.  Only happiness for what I've received.  Only gratitude to have the blessing of being a mother.  I enjoy it so much more this way.  I wasted a lot of time being disappointed.

This year was the most interesting Mother's day I've had yet...

The night before I stayed up very late with Carly.  She had some hard things going on with some of her friends that she needed to talk about so we cried a little, talked a lot, ate strawberries dipped in sour cream and then brown sugar (don't knock it til you try it.  It is divine.), watched some girly TV and decided to call it a night at 3am.  

At 3:30 I was woken up by my husband groaning in pain.  It seems he had been awake off and on since 1am with worsening stomach and back pain.  I could see he was in bad shape and tried to help him as much as I could but he was just getting worse.  He is pretty tough and can take a lot of pain.  He is not one of those men who turn into a big baby when they get sick.  He won't let me do anything for him and keeps it to himself for the most part.  At 4:30 the pain was so constant, intense and excruciating, that he decided he'd better go to the hospital.  We woke Carly up and had her go sleep in our bed so she'd hear the little ones if they needed attention and left for the hospital.

It was a quiet night in the ER, so we got right in and they started running all sorts of tests.  I hate seeing Mark in pain like that.  Besides just worrying about him, it really makes me feel frightened and vulnerable when he is hurt.  It's moments like that when I realize how much I depend on his strength every day.   I feel lost when it's not there.

We left at 6:30 and came home with no conclusive answers for what had happened to him.  They had ruled out several things and doped him up with some pretty strong painkillers that left him woozy and a little nauseated but free of pain, Thank Heaven, and instructions to come back if it got bad again.

I tried to sleep a little when I got home but it was not good sleep, just a little dozing here and there.  Carly was speaking in church at 1 o'clock, so I knew I couldn't miss that.  Bless Mark, he tried to get ready to go to church to hear her too.  He got up and showered and realized at that point he wasn't going anywhere and collapsed back in bed.  

There was no special dinner.  There was no perfectly clean house.  My children were not perfectly behaved.  I was quite a mess all day, emotional, worried, teary, exhausted etc.  

At the end of the day, however, I was happy as I reflected on my best gifts of the day.  

Mark reaching for my hand in the ER as they put the IV in, squeezing it and looking into my eyes while he anticipated the needle (he hates needles).  Because he is such a strong person, I often have felt he doesn't NEED me the way I need him.   He needed me.  He reached for me several times as we sat in that hospital room, wanting me closer, needing ME for strength.  It was a gift to feel strong for him.

Carly's talk.  She said nice things about me and I felt embarrassed to have them said publicly but grateful she loves me and thinks I am a good mom

Little cards and gifts the children made at school and in primary.  They are so proud to give them.  Jacob snuck in very quietly and left his card on my bedside clock so it would be the first thing I saw when I woke up.  They love me and they want to show me but they can't be perfect ALL day.  I don't expect it anymore.  I just try to love them anyway.  What a gift it is to be their mother.