For the most part, I cook, I clean, I take care of the children, I pick up his dirty socks and take them to the hamper, wash them, dry them and put them away. You get the picture. And I usually don't mind. I like taking care of him.
Sometimes I balk. I cross my arms, plant my feet and say I won't!
It's kind of random. The things I won't do. I don't iron his shirts. Unless I'm feeling REALLY really nice. And I'm ironing the little boy's shirts. Then I'll get all magnanimous and offer to iron a shirt. But not two. Never two.
When Mark gets back from his campouts, his luggage usually sits out for days...
I ask nicely or not so... depending on mood "will you take care of this suitcase today or tomorrow?" I wait. Sometimes I can't stand it and end up putting it away myself which really ticks me off. It's become something of a battle of wills every time. And yes, I have seen that "everybody loves Raymond episode.
Mark had a big week long campout with all the young men in the stake the first week of August. He got home August 8th. Yesterday was the 3 week mark, 21 days. There it sat. It had moved from the front room to the family room. I did that. I didn't want it to be the first thing people saw when they came in my front door. It sat and sat and sat. About a week after he got home he did empty the clothes out. He needed his scout shirt for a meeting. He even did laundry that day because he needed a CLEAN scout shirt. Thanks honey!
His birthday came on August 19th at the 11 day mark. In a magnaminous burst of birthday selflessness and humility I offered to put it away but I needed to know where to put the remaining, very random items left inside. He didn't want to deal with that question and said he'd do it himself. okay. I waited some more.
I miraculously was able to
#1 keep my mouth shut about it most days. I made that initial request, the offer and one or two comments that may or may not have been sarcastic in reference to the suitcase.....
#2 not let it turn me into a seething resentful wife. It really didn't bug me this time the way it has before.
#3 Not do it myself. Other than the b-day offer which was to be a gift. It WAS his birthday after all....
It's finally gone. It was the youth BBQ yesterday that did it. People would be coming in through the family room door to the restroom and there sat that pesky suitcase right in the path.
It's funny though. I titled this "A battle of wills" because I started this post on 8/14 at 1:45 am at the 6 day mark. When we've had the suitcase issue before it has really felt like a battle of wills: me staring at it every day, being annoyed, making comments, getting angry, feeling like he doesn't care about my feelings because he won't put it away, etc. but this time I didn't choose to be annoyed. It wasn't a battle and I realize for him it never was. He just didn't want to do it because he hates going down the stairs with his bad knees and yeah, he probably hoped I would do it but he's not going to get angry at me because I won't.
I didn't consciously say to myself this time "I am not going to choose to be offended". I was just too busy with birthdays and school starting and other concerns. It makes me sad that I've created so many battle of wills over the years that just didn't need to be, that I suited up for first and drug him into...
I hope I remember this and learn from this. It's so much easier to just make the choices about what I am going to do or not do without anger and resentment and let him make his.
6 comments:
You just make me laugh!! I feel the same way whenever we come home from a trip or anything...the suitcases just sit there and it drives me nuts!! But I get too stubborn as well and refuse to put it away...so I guess I'll need to work on it too and not be so annoyed and bothered by it!! Thanks for the friendly reminder and sharing your feelings, makes me know I can do it too!! You're great!!!
OK, YOU are an awesome wife because 1---you are bothered by a suitcase being left out and 2---you didn't let it bug you anyway! I love and admire your ability to continually progress & improve.
In my house it would have been flip-flopped. I wouldn't have been bothered by the suitcase, and Kendell would have, and then it would have eventually become The Suitcase of Doom, because it would be a symbol of everything I fail at, etc, etc, etc. I mean, WHY am I not bothered by the suitcase? What is wrong with me, when every other housewife in the world would be bothered by the suitcase? I'm failing at womanhood! The suitcase proves it! ;)
What I love about this particular post of yours is that it made me have a little ah-ha moment about Kendell (who, now I am thinking about it, I could totally turn the tables on: what's wrong with HIM that he IS bothered by the suitcase? Is he low on testosterone???? ;) ) when you said " me staring at it every day, being annoyed, making comments, getting angry, feeling like he doesn't care about my feelings because he won't put it away" I thought...ok, maybe THAT is why he gets so annoyed, because (he would never ever ever say it) he feels like I'm not caring about his feelings.
Thanks for my daily ah-ha moment. I can now get on with my (apparently very sarcastic) day! ;) Although, I wasn't being sarcastic when I said I admire you! That is true.
Ah, those post-campout silent--or not so silent--battles about the hubby's luggage. Well done, my friend. I'm impressed. We seem to making progress of in that area in one form or another, depending on the campout and his energy level when he gets home. Knowing he has a presidency meeting in our living room the next day sure helps! :)
Oh, and I never did comment on the kidney stone. So sorry it happened again! So glad it wasn't so much of an ordeal as last time.
We are so alike - the ironing, the putting away of the suitcases...
But you are light-years ahead of me because I am still annoyed by it & I usually break down & put it away.
You are a better woman than me.
Should I feel guilty that my suitcase is still in our bedroom from last weekend? I just keep getting things out as needed. It's totally in Matt's path to the closet and he hasn't said a word. There's a GULP for ya. I guess I can say I admire him and you!
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